Thursday, October 16, 2008

I wish I could take it all away...


As stated in my last post my Mother was diagnosed last week with Alzheimer's disease. We have been told she is in the early stages and was prescribed a medication to help slow the progression of the disease. I know this is not exactly the kind of thing people like to read on blogs, but I feel like this is an outlet for me to let go of some things that have really been bothering me. This is in no way intended to reflect negatively on my Mother. I love her more than life itself, despite our past or anything that has ever happened between us. With that said, she has always for as long as I can remember been a pessimistic person. Things have always been doom and gloom from her perspective. I think a lot of that stems from the abuse and mistreatment she suffered at the hands of her own parents. She has never been able to let those things go. Instead of carrying the scars of her past with her she has enabled them to become open wounds that are literally eating her alive every day. With this recent diagnosis she has really reached new lows of disparity. She is extremely depressed and at this point has driven me to tears several times. I am trying to understand and sympathize with her feelings, but I just don't understand the NEGATIVITY. She has asked me several times, "Well, what if it was you?" and I have really pondered that question a lot lately. I know that you can never really predict how you are going to react in a situation that you have never been faced with but I can tell you this. I would be thankful for what I still had. A family that not only loved me, but was willing and ready to tackle this head-on with me, and most importantly a God that is willing to carry these burdens for me. She has lost this somehow and I just feel like she is so empty inside. I want to help her. I want to make all this go away. But I am not humanly capable of taking this all away. And it's killing me. I know this may sound selfish of me but I cannot handle the emotional burden that she is placing on me with her negative thoughts and words. I have been praying and praying for God to give me some kind of wisdom or thought process to help me deal with this. I know we can and WILL handle the disease, but her heart I'm not so sure I can fix.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I just want to tell you that you are in my prayers and I understand what you are going through completely. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and is the exact same way. She is very depressed and negative about EVERYTHING. I am here for you if you need anyone.