I'll go ahead and apologize for the whining that is about to come from this post. I just need to get some thoughts off my chest and this blog kind of serves as an outlet, and helps to get these thoughts out of my mind. The past week or so I have been in such a "funk". That's really the best way to describe it. I try so hard not to question the Lord's will, but there are times when I just can't seem to let go. I really wish I was the kind of person that could FULLY trust in the Lord's plan. I find myself sometimes with this feeling that no one understands my pain with infertility. I'm not saying anything negative about my friends, but they have all been able to conceive with no problem and have even gotten a few "surprise" pregnancies. I'm not discounting them as mothers, or saying they didn't "want" their children, but they just don't know how it feels to really want a child. To not have it happen the first month, or the first year. I feel like they don't take my heartache seriously. It's not that they don't listen, they do. But, when I talk about the emptiness I feel when I go to all the birthday parties or baby showers and then the subject quickly changes to groceries or work, I feel like they're not really listening. I know it's not their burden to bear, but I just want to feel like someone UNDERSTANDS. I don't want sympathy, I get enough of that when people ask "So, do you have kids" and I say, "Not yet" and then you get that stare of Oh, you poor thing.I'm just tired. Tired of wanting, wishing, waiting, with no outcome. I know I am not perfect and that I really need to TRUST in God. I just really need Him to move in my life, I need just a little glimmer of hope. A little ray of sunshine through all these dark clouds.
Well I'm back from my "blogging break", and I must say I'm glad. Life has been absolutely crazy the past few months. Prepare for a long one here guys, alot has happened! Let's see...lost my job of 6 years back in December after the company closed their Chattanooga location, instantly got what "appeared" to be a great opportunity and started that job the first week of January. I made it through the GRUELING 8 weeks of training, but by the end of February I had just about had all I could take. It was one of those places that look great on the outside but once you're on the inside it's not so great. After many tears, thinking, talking with my husband, and praying I decided to resign from that position and have been out of work ever since. We are now living on ONE income which is so NOT what we are used to, but we are making it work. I am doing some online coursework to hopefully work in pharmacy and am looking forward to taking the certification exam sometime soon. I really needed a CHANGE. I loved my old job but was looking at going in a different direction. Just not as soon as I thought! But, I feel so much better about the future of my career and that is something working in a job you hate will not get you. My husband has been SUPER supportive and I am so lucky to have him! So, basically I have been playing S-A-H-M to my pups and they have enjoyed having me home to play with them all day and take them to the park. Sad, I know. Plus, a bonus of my unemployment is I am available to spend lots of time with our nieces and nephews,(whom we spoil ROTTEN) and I have gotten to babysit and do all sorts of fun things with them and I just love it! We are still hoping and praying that we will conceive soon and I have a much better outlook on that lately as well. I think I just feel more confidence in myself and am learning to look at things differently, so I am not so sad all the time. There for a while the sadness was creeping back in and that was about the time this angel was born. Once again, Kelly, whom I do not know personally, was responsible for putting my focus back to God. Praying for Kelly and Harper gave me a new perspective on what it is to ask something of God. We all asked and He delivered a miracle in a healthy, happy Harper! So, I know that in His time He will deliver for us. We just have to be patient. Still. We are happy just being happy together. We will be celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary on August 5th and I am working on cooking up a romantic and CHEAP getaway for the two of us....does anyone have any great secret spots in TN,GA, AL??? Fill me in if you do!! Love to you all!
I have been on kind of a blog hiatus lately...there are lots of things going on right now, but I wanted to take a minute to say "Thank You" to Him. The following song couldn't convey my thoughts better as I think about what Jesus did for me.
Thank you for the cross, Lord.
Thank You for the price You paid.
Bearing all MY sin and shame.
In LOVE You came, and gave amazing grace.
Thank You for this love, Lord.
Thank You for the nail pierced hands.
Washed me in your cleansing flow, now all I know,
your forgiveness and embrace.
WORTHY IS THE LAMB, seated on the throne.
"He was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; by His wounds we are healed."