Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dark Clouds

I'll go ahead and apologize for the whining that is about to come from this post. I just need to get some thoughts off my chest and this blog kind of serves as an outlet, and helps to get these thoughts out of my mind. The past week or so I have been in such a "funk". That's really the best way to describe it. I try so hard not to question the Lord's will, but there are times when I just can't seem to let go. I really wish I was the kind of person that could FULLY trust in the Lord's plan. I find myself sometimes with this feeling that no one understands my pain with infertility. I'm not saying anything negative about my friends, but they have all been able to conceive with no problem and have even gotten a few "surprise" pregnancies. I'm not discounting them as mothers, or saying they didn't "want" their children, but they just don't know how it feels to really want a child. To not have it happen the first month, or the first year. I feel like they don't take my heartache seriously. It's not that they don't listen, they do. But, when I talk about the emptiness I feel when I go to all the birthday parties or baby showers and then the subject quickly changes to groceries or work, I feel like they're not really listening. I know it's not their burden to bear, but I just want to feel like someone UNDERSTANDS. I don't want sympathy, I get enough of that when people ask "So, do you have kids" and I say, "Not yet" and then you get that stare of Oh, you poor thing.I'm just tired. Tired of wanting, wishing, waiting, with no outcome. I know I am not perfect and that I really need to TRUST in God. I just really need Him to move in my life, I need just a little glimmer of hope. A little ray of sunshine through all these dark clouds.